It's just not the same

Merry Christmas y'all!!

We woke up to a white christmas this morning and it was beautiful. I'm glad it finally snowed. Christmas just isn't Christmas without snow.

Christmas isn't what it use to be for me. I love the month of December, I love Christmas and I love all that this season has to offer (other than grumpy customers at Joann) but it just was different this year. Maybe because all I did today was lay around and veg. Where as the last two years I was running between families trying to make everyone happy. Or maybe it's because this morning at 10 my grandma wasn't walking through the door like she use to.

Last night I worked at the tanning salon (I got a new job on top of joann this will be explained later.) Then at 4 I went home got Mila and went to my mom's. Scott had to work because of the snow so I dropped Mila off and went to my aunt and uncle heinz's house where all my cousins were going to be. I love them all. They have embraced me and supported me through all of my ups and downs. They gave me a gift that was the best gift I've ever received. It's a snow man that has poinsettias on it and it had the word "grandmother" engraved the the back of the middle snowball and the head has a gardening hat on.

I called her this morning to tell her thank you and she asked me if I was ok? And that I seemed a little down last night. I didn't know that I had been acting any different but I had been feeling a little blue all day. Just isn't the same without her.

After I left their house I headed back to my mom's to get my jammies and get Mila. I spent Christmas eve with dallen at his mom's in inkom. It was a lot of fun and I'm grateful to have dallen in my life right now. He is very sweet to me and treats me so well. It's so nice. And I adore him.

But today just wasn't the same without her. I know she is always with me and sometimes I forget that. But I would give everything to have just one more Christmas with her. Ok let's be honest I'd give everything to have her back period.

One day I won't have to be without her on Christmas.

Xoxo

First snow

Today was the first snow fall of the season here in Eastern Idaho, and although it was FREEZING! I was so glad to see the snow.

In a literary sense winter is the "death" of seasons and I started thinking that just because the leaves fall from the trees and the flowers die off because of the cold and get covered in snow doesn't mean that the rest of us should die down.

I know I'm not going to let this season get me down, I'm just starting a new life and I can't wait to see what is in store for me. I'm determined to be a better person and to grow from all the hurt and pain, I will bloom despite the cold, bitter winter. Through this divorce I have felt that I've been, for the most part, level headed and very upbeat. I haven't let the pain get to me.

I won't lie the 1st few weeks after getting that news I was a broken mess, all I wanted to do was cry and I kept wondering to myself, "how am I going to get through this?" I kept hating that my grandma wasn't here to help guide me through like she did with everything else. But now I've started to realize that I've had to be the one to step up and take ahold of my life and lead the way.

I stopped drinking, I started going to the gym, I started putting myself first. My needs, my wants, my feelings, my happiness all came before everything else.

Good things are coming my way, and I'm working hard for everything I'm getting and receiving. My life is going the way I want it to go, and it's not revolving around anyone else's wants or needs.

I've learned a lot about myself these past few months, and some of it I didn't like and some of it I do like. I have to constantly step back and ask myself, "is this something that is going to benefit you or hurt you?" and when I evaluate the situation I can adjust accordingly.

So just because it's the beginning of winter, the cold won't get me down.

xoxo
-S

Fall backward? No, leap forward.

Today, in my mind marks the new season of FALL!:) I love fall so much all the colors and of course THANKSGIVING (yummy yummy.) And now that I'm working at Jo-ann I see all the beautiful fabrics and all of the guests fall projects. It's so fun!

By far my favorite reason for Fall, is that it's the lead up to CHRISTMASSSSS!!!! Wooooo! Jessi and I already have plans for all our christmas decor! I bought some cute fabric to make a wreath and I couldn't be more excited about it!

This new season is marking my new life and journey with myself. My divorce was finalized on Friday and it's a little bitter sweet, but I know that this is what is best for both parties. Right now I know I'm on the right path I can feel it. I am getting done with school, I have AMAZING support, and awesome job that I love, and most of all I am in the gym 6 days a week with Mike and the changes in my body are amazing me day by day.

In the last 3 months I have found a fire within me I never knew I had. I have had to step back and own up to all my mistakes and small comings. And realizing this has "lit a fire under my butt" or so to speak.

I work harder at everything now, I am taking a GIANT leap forward and bursting out of this hole I've been dropped into. This small amount of darkness will NOT consume me.

xoxo.

Here are some progress pictures for your viewing comfort:)

New beginnings.

Hello friends! I have decided to start a new blog! My other one is filled with hurtful memories and I things that I need to put behind me. I am grateful to have spent the last 2 1/2 years blogging about my life on the other blog but things have come to an end, and there are more doors opening up for me despite the deep hurt I have been experiencing the last few months.

So with that being said, I'm hoping that this new blog will give me the opportunity to be positive and motivating to my friends and myself! Many good things are in store for me and I cannot wait to see where these open doors will take me.

To fill y'all in, I am back in Idaho. Seriously no one can fully understand how much I love south eastern Idaho, so many things to do and see. People in this area complain about how there is nothing to do but the mountains give so many opportunities to explore and the best part is I can take Mila Lou with me!:)

I am enrolled at ISU again and I am well on my way to receiving my BA in secondary English education! Fall of 2016 is my last semester! So nice to see the light at the end of that tunnel.

I am working at Joann Fabric and I LOVE it!!!! I don't have a lot of time between school work and the gym to sew, so I get to help others with their projects and it's so fun!

Last but not least, I am going to the gym 6 days a week with Mike again and this time instead of just losing weight I have committed to competing in a show in April 2015!! So I have my work cut out for me, I need to build muscle like crazy between now and April. I am so glad that I have decided to do this to mark it off my bucket list. It also keeps my anxiety and stress levels down which is critical during this time. Since I've moved home I've only had 2 severe anxiety attacks and I am confident that being busy with the gym and school and work that I haven't had more than just the two.

So bare with me while I get this up and running:) Hopefully I can find time between everything to keep y'all updated:)

xoxo

-S