It's all over!

It's all over! The competition is over and done with! And let me just say that I'm so glad that it is.

I spent 9 months dieting and lifting for all of 20 minutes total on stage. Some would say that's not worth it, but for me it was! I didn't place in the top 5 but I didn't walk into it expecting to. I didn't place last though! So I call that a win:)

This prep was extremely difficult. In September I decided I was going to commit to this because at that point I felt like the scum of the Earth. I was being beaten down by Morgan, his family and even my own parents and I was my own worst enemy. I felt like I was nothing, I judged myself so harshly. I was 22 and getting a divorce. That was a very hard pill to swallow. I had no confidence in myself, I had convinced myself that I would never be loved again, I would never be able to live a normal life because of the judgement I had placed on myself. The gym seemed like the only place that I could blow some steam off and really de-stress from all the crap that seemed to be melting down around me. Now don't twist it, I didn't commit to this because of Morgan or anything to do with him. I did this because I needed it for myself, and myself alone.

I'll be the first to admit that when things got hard I would run. This was a common theme throughout my whole life. I ran away from Pocatello to Walla Walla right after high school cause I thought that Pocatello was the worst place on the planet. When things got rough there I ran to Weber, when things really sucked in Utah I dropped out of school and moved clear across the country to Alabama, when things got rocky in the south, I moved back to Pocatello. When my Grandma passed away I ran to Tennessee thinking that I had found the love of my life, when things got rough in our marriage I ran back to Pocatello to secure my education because I believe that deep down both Morgan and I knew that it wasn't true love or even love at all. So I was always running, thinking that wherever I was going would be better than where I came from and that was never the case.

So in the midst of filing for divorce, I decided that I needed to prove to MYSELF and myself only that I could finish something and not run when it got hard. So committing to a figure competition was the best way, in my mind to do so. I'm not going to lie to y'all it was really hard especially feeling like crap for the first 12 weeks than finding out that I had celiac the whole time. About 6 weeks out I was so close to just throwing my hands up in the air and quitting. I went to BYN that day and was telling Eric how I was feeling and that I didn't think it was worth it to feel like shit. He convinced me to stick with it and that the feeling after I had finished would out weigh how I was feeling at that moment. And guess what!? He was so right!

Not only did I find the confidence I was looking for I battled and conquered my anxieties!!! I thought that I would have a panic attack before stepping out on stage, and I didn't! I was cool, calm and collected. I didn't feel nervous at all, I just kept telling myself that I needed to remember the things I needed to present on stage but no anxiety or nervousness came over me and I'm so proud of myself! Although I was in my suit that barely covered my booty I was so excited that I had a brownie and a liter of wine waiting for me at my hotel! I had Dallen there with me and team BYN with me and it was amazing to see the support from every single one of them! Lloyd, my coach, took overall in his division and I was amazing to be apart of that moment and with everyone on my team that placed!

I am so incredibly proud of myself that I had the courage to finish this out, and now I can say that I finally finished something with my all and didn't run when it got tough! I feel like I'm on top of the world and now that I've accomplished this, the sky is the limit!

People kept asking me this weekend if I was going to do another show, and my answer was always no. I can see why people get addicted to this lifestyle it's so amazing to be able to work your booty off and show the world your progress and hard work and the feeling is so gratifying, but I have so many other things I want to accomplish in my life, this is just the beginning. Maybe later on down the road I will compete again, but for now I have other things to focus on. Like finishing school, building and solidifying my relationship with Dallen, and just growing as a person. I cannot wait to see where my life goes from here. I can close this door and open a new one!

xoxo

 

Lifestyle changes.

I am 10 days... let me repeat 1.0 D.A.Y.S out from my first figure competition, and let me tell y'all, I am nervous, excited, not prepared, exhausted, hungry, hangry, and pumped all at the same time. I am so excited to step on stage but I'm also terrified because I'll be in heels, I can't walk in heels let alone strut in heels. I'm clumsy and uncoordinated barefoot and no amount of practice over the last 6 months isn't going to take that lovely little trait out of this girl.
Oh did I forget to mention that my suit is less than a half yard of fabric and covers everything but my wittle boobs, and my buttcrack? OH! and I made it...myself. Quite impressed with myself if I do say so myself. I have to jewel it too and that it almost done and boy, I can't wait.

I am impressed with my progress over the last 6 months! and I couldn't be more proud of myself that I've pushed myself to the extent that I have and it hasn't been easy. I've been sick for the majority of the prep. With a few E.R visits and a few doctors visits and an endoscopy later I was diagnosed with Ciliac Disease. I was really looking forward to eating my favorite kind of brownie, a summer shandy some startburst jelly beans (or a whole bag), a jimmy johns unwich or 5, and some wine. 

So last friday I went in for a endoscopy and came out of the procedure to the doctor telling me he is pretty sure I have Ciliac Disease, but he sent a biopsy in for further analysis. So I went throughout the weekend trying to accept the fact that it might be true but it might just be something else. Monday they called me with the test results and it was confirmed I have Ciliac. 

So a lot of people don't know what this disease is and honestly I didn't know a whole lot about it so I started doing my research. It is a disease where your body is allergic to any kind of gluten product or bi-product. It attacks the vili that live in the intestines that absorb the nutrients, the doctor told me that 6 inches of my intestine where it attaches to my stomach is dead and that it's not absorbing any nutrients and that I need to go on a gluten free diet. Well friends, let me tell you EVERYTHING...E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G has gluten in it or a gluten derivative in it. It's an inexpensive filler and it's used in just about everything, even things that say "gluten-free" REALLLLYYYY aren't. After doing some research and searching Pinterest I've found some recipes and tips for transitioning into a gluten-free lifestyle. Gluten is defined as anything wheat, rye or barley related. Also this isn't something that I will grow out of, it will never go away!:(

Luckily right now I'm not eating a whole lot of things that involve gluten other than my morning oats and I broke down and bought a 2lb bag of gluten free oats for 6$ at Walmart. But what I started finding out was my sugar free popsicles had an ingredient called MALTODEXTRIN I.E gluten... FML. I started label reading everything I was eating or putting on my food or eating for snacks and had to eliminate most all of it! I started thinking about the future and how I was going to adjust after the competition. I went to all of the big grocery stores in Pocatello looking at the gluten-free sections of the stores. Some had bigger sections than others, Fred Meyer having the most selection and holy crap soooooo expensive. A loaf of gluten free bread is 6.07$ and good thing I don't eat a whole lot of bread outside of prep, but I do occasionally enjoy a grilled cheese or french toast. So looks like I'll be making my own bread. And judge me if you please but I'm getting on food stamps... This is an expensive disease and even working 3 jobs isn't going to cut it.

Here I was thinking that when Dallen and I get our own place that we will save so much money, yeah I was wrong. Luckily he has been super supportive and loving through all of this because I'm not going to lie it's been a rough time thinking about it and everything that I have to change. I was so looking forward to going to Revive at 5 here in Pocatello with Dallen, his mom and aunt on Wednesday nights and enjoying a few beers, and going to Mama's with them for dinner... Yeah well subtract the beers but other than that it should be a good time cause I can still have nachos! with corn tortilla chips. I was also looking forward to being able to not have to prep all my meals and take meals everywhere I go especially when I go to New York City in May for my cousin's wedding. It's just such an inconvenience and I'm having a hard time thinking about how I have to transition into this new life style. BUT I've made it through things much more difficult than this. I have a loving boyfriend supporting me and I couldn't be happier with him by my side.:)

On a brighter note 10 days!