Holiday buzz

Goodness, it's been a while since I've had time and words to sit down and write a blog. The last 5 months have been C R A Z Y! When this semester started I told myself that I wasn't going to just glide through the semester. I was going to put my nose in my books and do my very best to get through the second to last semester of my undergraduate degree. I am happy to announce that I will be graduating in May with a Bachelor's in English with an emphasis in literature. It has been a long and rough journey with a degree change, so many moves I can't even count, a divorce, and a whole hell of a lot of tears. I FINALLY see the light at the end of the tunnel. The spring semester I will be taking 18 (possibly 21) credits of upper division English classes to finish out my degree so that I can take my certification courses over the summer and hopefully find a job for the fall and start teaching! Dallen will also be graduating with his masters in school counseling. I am so incredibly proud of the dedication and hard work he puts into finishing his masters. Dallen has been in school for 6 years straight! My admiration for his dedication is fierce.

For our present to each other for finishing this semester and our Christmas to each other, we decided to take a trip to Las Vegas. I had never been before and wanted to see what the hype was all about. It was fun trip! We saw the Bellagio water shows, went up the eiffel tower, and saw a Cirque Du Soleil show. We gambled all of 5$ and lost it all and gave up! We did Vegas pretty cheap, you know being poor college students and all. After it was all said and done, I don't think I'd go back. It was a fun trip and it's nice to say I've been to Vegas rather than people looking at me like I'm crazy when I would tell them I had never been. Overall it was a fun trip, but we were glad to get home.

For Christmas, like last year, we went to Inkom to his mom's for Christmas Eve and did Christmas with her and Dallen's brother. Then last night we did Christmas with my family because my step-dad had to plow snow all day. Surprisingly it was a decent visit and there wasn't any crazy drama only because I set the ground rules that if any of the family drama was brought up we would leave immediately. Everyone abided by that it was nice. We ate dinner, and played mexican train. Then of course I got glutened and felt like garbage so we left and came home and crashed. Dallen and I had talked about how this year it really didn't feel like Christmas. Perhaps because we are dead ass broke or because the Christmas spirit just wasn't there this year. Either way this year was very different from previous years. We appreciated the time we spent with family and the gifts that we received, but we are quite glad it's over.

As 2015 quickly comes to an end I have been looking back on this year and think about the up's and down's. This year has been one of the best and one of the worst years yet. I started this year with Dallen and we are ending it together and starting a new year. We have grown so much over this year. I have slowly healed from the deep hurt of my divorce, I accomplished a H U G E goal of training for a figure competition and fighting through a undiagnosed Celiac disease.  I stepped on stage and smashed that goal! Dallen and I have struggled through financial issues, a few moves, a very hot apartment, and stress of school and work. Despite the struggles, we have had more amazing up moments than down. Our relationship has grown over this year so much. I am so incredibly thankful to have this loving man in my life. He takes me as I am and loves me despite my craziness and illogical thinking at times. He sets me straight when I need it and motivated me to push through tough times. Our relationship is not perfect, but it is wonderful none the less. I love this life I live and the people I live it with.

Until next time,

xoxo
-S

Time flies

Over the last few days I have noticed how much time has flown by in most every aspect of my life. This summer has flown by! It seems like yesterday I was thinking I can't wait until finals are over and I can go to New York. Then I was thinking while in New York, I can't wait until I am home with Dallen and we can go to Arizona, then when we were in Arizona I couldn't wait to get home and moved into our apartment and now we are here and I can't wait until school starts and Dallen and I can spend weekends together. I got a new job on campus in the student success center and it's only Monday, Tuesday and Thursday evenings, then I'll keep working at the salon every other Saturday. 

Today I remembered the feelings I was feeling this time last year, and I was miserable. I knew my marriage was failing and I didn't want to even attempt to fix it because I wanted to go back to school and made the selfish decision to do so, and that's ok. Because now I look back on that decision and I don't regret it, I don't feel bad about it, I feel content that it happened. Because I have found things within myself that I never thought I had. I also found someone who has helped me find those things. 

Today I was faced with a judgement of my relationship, and though it stung a little bit because no one wants to feel judged. But because there was no valid argument behind the judgement and I know in my heart that Dallen is the right one for me it didn't hurt. Because I am the happiest and most self aware I've ever been, and I can thank Dallen.

This year has gone by so fast, next thing I know Dallen and I will be walking in May across the stage for graduation and deciding where we are going to move and what our next step will be in life. 

Time flies so quickly and sometimes we get caught up in all the craziness and forget to slow down, take a breath and look around and take in all the wonderful things in life we take for granted. So, stop and take a minute to look around and really take in everything around you.

xoxo

New paths.

So many new things have been going on, and as I sit here typing this I'm also thinking of everything else I should be doing.

Thinks have been pretty crazy lately. After finals I thought things would slow down a little bit, but boy was I wrong. Dallen got a second job as a CBRS worker, where he meets with clients and helps them with any anxiety or just day to day living things. He makes pretty good money so that's nice. I started a summer job on top of the salon just for the summer making some extra cash. I am in the cafe at the golf courses in town. It's a nice little job but geeze it keeps me busy. Between the salon and the golf course I rarely have a day off and between my jobs and Dallen's we hardly see each other. Some days our schedules are completely opposite we see each other for maybe a half hour then we are off.

After finals I had about two weeks before I hopped on a plane to New York City to go to my cousin's wedding. And immediately after that trip I flew into Nashville and went back to Clarksville to get the stuff that I received from my divorce which wasn't much, but that's what happens when you divorce across the country from your ex. After that I went back home worked then Dallen and I went to Arizona for a week to see his half siblings, step siblings, step mom, and dad. And let me tell ya, it was hot!!!  After that trip I figured things would settle down since we were on the downward stretch to school starting. Welp! I was wrong.

Dallen and I found an apartment in Downtown Pocatello. Immediately after we got home from AZ we got approved for the apartment and moved in that day. So in the midst of moving and organizing, I realized I won't be having a day off for 13 straight days.

4th of July came and went and here we are. Still no days off and I'm tired and burnt out. Dallen and I have a wedding in two weeks in Northern Idaho. So let's cross our fingers and hope that after the wedding shenanigans things will slow until school starts, then back to the grind to finish our last year of school.

Dallen will be in his last year of his masters program and I'll be in my last year of my bachelor's program. Then after that we will be off to wherever we end up with jobs.

So with all the new updates I'll leave you here so I can go finish organizing my kitchen. More updates to come if I can find a slice of time:)

xoxo

It's all over!

It's all over! The competition is over and done with! And let me just say that I'm so glad that it is.

I spent 9 months dieting and lifting for all of 20 minutes total on stage. Some would say that's not worth it, but for me it was! I didn't place in the top 5 but I didn't walk into it expecting to. I didn't place last though! So I call that a win:)

This prep was extremely difficult. In September I decided I was going to commit to this because at that point I felt like the scum of the Earth. I was being beaten down by Morgan, his family and even my own parents and I was my own worst enemy. I felt like I was nothing, I judged myself so harshly. I was 22 and getting a divorce. That was a very hard pill to swallow. I had no confidence in myself, I had convinced myself that I would never be loved again, I would never be able to live a normal life because of the judgement I had placed on myself. The gym seemed like the only place that I could blow some steam off and really de-stress from all the crap that seemed to be melting down around me. Now don't twist it, I didn't commit to this because of Morgan or anything to do with him. I did this because I needed it for myself, and myself alone.

I'll be the first to admit that when things got hard I would run. This was a common theme throughout my whole life. I ran away from Pocatello to Walla Walla right after high school cause I thought that Pocatello was the worst place on the planet. When things got rough there I ran to Weber, when things really sucked in Utah I dropped out of school and moved clear across the country to Alabama, when things got rocky in the south, I moved back to Pocatello. When my Grandma passed away I ran to Tennessee thinking that I had found the love of my life, when things got rough in our marriage I ran back to Pocatello to secure my education because I believe that deep down both Morgan and I knew that it wasn't true love or even love at all. So I was always running, thinking that wherever I was going would be better than where I came from and that was never the case.

So in the midst of filing for divorce, I decided that I needed to prove to MYSELF and myself only that I could finish something and not run when it got hard. So committing to a figure competition was the best way, in my mind to do so. I'm not going to lie to y'all it was really hard especially feeling like crap for the first 12 weeks than finding out that I had celiac the whole time. About 6 weeks out I was so close to just throwing my hands up in the air and quitting. I went to BYN that day and was telling Eric how I was feeling and that I didn't think it was worth it to feel like shit. He convinced me to stick with it and that the feeling after I had finished would out weigh how I was feeling at that moment. And guess what!? He was so right!

Not only did I find the confidence I was looking for I battled and conquered my anxieties!!! I thought that I would have a panic attack before stepping out on stage, and I didn't! I was cool, calm and collected. I didn't feel nervous at all, I just kept telling myself that I needed to remember the things I needed to present on stage but no anxiety or nervousness came over me and I'm so proud of myself! Although I was in my suit that barely covered my booty I was so excited that I had a brownie and a liter of wine waiting for me at my hotel! I had Dallen there with me and team BYN with me and it was amazing to see the support from every single one of them! Lloyd, my coach, took overall in his division and I was amazing to be apart of that moment and with everyone on my team that placed!

I am so incredibly proud of myself that I had the courage to finish this out, and now I can say that I finally finished something with my all and didn't run when it got tough! I feel like I'm on top of the world and now that I've accomplished this, the sky is the limit!

People kept asking me this weekend if I was going to do another show, and my answer was always no. I can see why people get addicted to this lifestyle it's so amazing to be able to work your booty off and show the world your progress and hard work and the feeling is so gratifying, but I have so many other things I want to accomplish in my life, this is just the beginning. Maybe later on down the road I will compete again, but for now I have other things to focus on. Like finishing school, building and solidifying my relationship with Dallen, and just growing as a person. I cannot wait to see where my life goes from here. I can close this door and open a new one!

xoxo

 

Lifestyle changes.

I am 10 days... let me repeat 1.0 D.A.Y.S out from my first figure competition, and let me tell y'all, I am nervous, excited, not prepared, exhausted, hungry, hangry, and pumped all at the same time. I am so excited to step on stage but I'm also terrified because I'll be in heels, I can't walk in heels let alone strut in heels. I'm clumsy and uncoordinated barefoot and no amount of practice over the last 6 months isn't going to take that lovely little trait out of this girl.
Oh did I forget to mention that my suit is less than a half yard of fabric and covers everything but my wittle boobs, and my buttcrack? OH! and I made it...myself. Quite impressed with myself if I do say so myself. I have to jewel it too and that it almost done and boy, I can't wait.

I am impressed with my progress over the last 6 months! and I couldn't be more proud of myself that I've pushed myself to the extent that I have and it hasn't been easy. I've been sick for the majority of the prep. With a few E.R visits and a few doctors visits and an endoscopy later I was diagnosed with Ciliac Disease. I was really looking forward to eating my favorite kind of brownie, a summer shandy some startburst jelly beans (or a whole bag), a jimmy johns unwich or 5, and some wine. 

So last friday I went in for a endoscopy and came out of the procedure to the doctor telling me he is pretty sure I have Ciliac Disease, but he sent a biopsy in for further analysis. So I went throughout the weekend trying to accept the fact that it might be true but it might just be something else. Monday they called me with the test results and it was confirmed I have Ciliac. 

So a lot of people don't know what this disease is and honestly I didn't know a whole lot about it so I started doing my research. It is a disease where your body is allergic to any kind of gluten product or bi-product. It attacks the vili that live in the intestines that absorb the nutrients, the doctor told me that 6 inches of my intestine where it attaches to my stomach is dead and that it's not absorbing any nutrients and that I need to go on a gluten free diet. Well friends, let me tell you EVERYTHING...E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G has gluten in it or a gluten derivative in it. It's an inexpensive filler and it's used in just about everything, even things that say "gluten-free" REALLLLYYYY aren't. After doing some research and searching Pinterest I've found some recipes and tips for transitioning into a gluten-free lifestyle. Gluten is defined as anything wheat, rye or barley related. Also this isn't something that I will grow out of, it will never go away!:(

Luckily right now I'm not eating a whole lot of things that involve gluten other than my morning oats and I broke down and bought a 2lb bag of gluten free oats for 6$ at Walmart. But what I started finding out was my sugar free popsicles had an ingredient called MALTODEXTRIN I.E gluten... FML. I started label reading everything I was eating or putting on my food or eating for snacks and had to eliminate most all of it! I started thinking about the future and how I was going to adjust after the competition. I went to all of the big grocery stores in Pocatello looking at the gluten-free sections of the stores. Some had bigger sections than others, Fred Meyer having the most selection and holy crap soooooo expensive. A loaf of gluten free bread is 6.07$ and good thing I don't eat a whole lot of bread outside of prep, but I do occasionally enjoy a grilled cheese or french toast. So looks like I'll be making my own bread. And judge me if you please but I'm getting on food stamps... This is an expensive disease and even working 3 jobs isn't going to cut it.

Here I was thinking that when Dallen and I get our own place that we will save so much money, yeah I was wrong. Luckily he has been super supportive and loving through all of this because I'm not going to lie it's been a rough time thinking about it and everything that I have to change. I was so looking forward to going to Revive at 5 here in Pocatello with Dallen, his mom and aunt on Wednesday nights and enjoying a few beers, and going to Mama's with them for dinner... Yeah well subtract the beers but other than that it should be a good time cause I can still have nachos! with corn tortilla chips. I was also looking forward to being able to not have to prep all my meals and take meals everywhere I go especially when I go to New York City in May for my cousin's wedding. It's just such an inconvenience and I'm having a hard time thinking about how I have to transition into this new life style. BUT I've made it through things much more difficult than this. I have a loving boyfriend supporting me and I couldn't be happier with him by my side.:)

On a brighter note 10 days!

What a change

The big 2.3. And just like every other year I had anxiety about turning yet another year older, or younger, however you want to look at it. Yesterday was a great day filled with love and appreciation for everyone in my life. I spoiled myself with a trip to ulta, and a mani/pedi date with myself before I had posing practice and gym time. Then dallen took me to dinner at Sumisu and boy oh boy did I indulge. Sushi is the way to my soul! My mouth is watering just thinking of his wonderful the meal was. He got me flowers as well and they weren't roses! He for sure is a keeper after that. Then we went home and watched princess bride while I finished some homework then passed out! Overall it was a wonderful 23rd birthday!
As I was sitting in the massage chair getting my tootsies loved on, I reflected on the last year. So much has happened and so much has changed. People have come into my life and others have walked out of my life. I have moved across the country. I've been broken into tiny pieces and piece by piece picked myself up and put myself back together. I have found a fire within myself I never knew I had and committed to a new lifestyle. So much has changed in the last year and I never would have thought last year looking forward that I would be sitting right here, right now typing this.
I have wonderful friends that have stood by my side and supported me through this last year in every decision I've made and it means the world to me to have them on my side. I have an amazing boyfriend who supports me and cares about me so deeply and shows how much he truly cares everyday. He makes me smile and laugh and listens when I need to vent and be dramatic. Even if he thinks I'm being ridiculous he still listens and doesn't judge me. He is so selfless and kind I seriously can't believe he is in my life. I'm so fortunate to have him.
Dallen and I have quite the past. We met on MySpace, yes MySpace my friends, he added me and I had no idea who he was so I asked him if I knew him and he said no but he asked if my name was my real name, cause his middle name was storm. I saw he was from inkom so I figured I knew him from there. We sparked a conversation and I found out he had a girlfriend and that he lived across the street from my grandma. We talked and I knew that nothing would come of our conversation because he was in a relationship. So fast forward three months, he had broken up with his girlfriend while visiting his dad in Minnesota. We started liking each other and decided that when he got back that we would meet and hang out since we had only been talking through texting. After we met that summer we were always together we went to movies, took day trips to lava and went to salt lake shopping. After this trip we had graduated to talking through Facebook, and he asked me that night after salt lake if we could make our relationship official. I knew school would be starting school soon and that we would be in different schools( him at marsh valley and me at poky) I didn't and I didn't want to risk getting hurt by him getting back with his girlfriend. So we ended it.
So fast forward a year. Yes this is a long saga. Bear with me. So I'm sitting in my grandma's dining room and we are talking like usual I had just moved to Walla Walla Washington with my friend annelise and had come home for the weekend. And the phone rings no big deal, my grandma answers it and I pay no mind then she says "it's for you" I was puzzled who in the world would be calling me at my grandma's? Low and behold it was Dallen. He was in Walla Walla also playing basketball. I was astounded I hadn't talked to him in almost a year and here he was calling my grandma looking for my number to hang out. Weird right? Ha. So after I got back to Walla we hung out and I was so ecstatic and thought "this is it I finally get to have a relationship with him" nope ha he was single and ready to mingle so we once again went a different path. I moved to Alabama shortly after and had no contact with him.
Fast forward another year. I was on my way back to.Pocatello from Alabama and he text me saying he was going to be in town before leaving to Alaska to finish his college basketball career. We hung out while he was back, but again terrible timing.
Fast forward three years. I got married then divorced, and he finished up in Alaska and ended up back in Pocatello at ISU for his master's program. After I had filed for divorce he asked to hang out and come to find out he just live around the corner from me. So we casually hung out for a few weeks. Off and on.
Fast forward three months and here we are. In a relationship, and happier than ever. He supports me in everything I do. We do our own thing during the day, like classes and gym time, then at night or when we have time during the day we are together watching movies or just hanging out. No stress or anxiety just pure contentment. It's so fabulous being in a stress free relationship I can't even begin to tell you how refreshing it is.
Dallen is amazing and I couldn't be happier with where we are at.
So there is our saga:) it's not much but it's something.
Good things always have their own way of working out when we need them most.

Xoxo