The big "A" word

Let's get down and dirty shall we?
A N X I E T Y
I have anxiety, most days it's not bad and other days it's so bad I can't function. Certain things trigger it like bad memories, sounds that are correlated with those bad memories, and smells. I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember. My parents divorced when I was young and my first memories are of them fighting. After the divorce my mom remarried, and I despised her new husband (Still kind of do). After my mom remarried my dad passed away, and some other things I don't feel comfortable sharing happened. So everything piled on top of each other made me anxious about everything. I was never aware how severe the anxiety was until my Grandma got sick. It was around this time 4 years ago that she got sick and I remember having my first severe anxiety attack. Since then, I've had attacks frequently.
I went to the doctor after I got married and they prescribed me medicine to help with the symptoms, like feeling like an elephant was sitting on my chest, my fingers go numb, and I get really foggy. The meds made me numb, I couldn't feel anything, I was boarder line depressed. I hated taking them, but I did because I was afraid that my anxiety would ruin my marriage if I didn't take them. Keep in mind I was taking these "in the closet." He had no idea. After the divorce I stopped taking them and I finally was able to feel, all of the feelings from the divorce, my grandmas death, everything.
I haven't been on meds in over a year. Anxiety rules my life, I live with it all day everyday. There is no cure, all I can do is talk myself down if I can bring awareness to it. The biggest issue is that not many people know what it is or how to respond to it. Anxiety has such a bad rap, there is one person who understands it. I rely on her for comfort in times of high anxiety and she does me. No one understands how debilitating it is, because many people have never had to experience it.
Anxiety will never leave my life. I wish more than anything I could rid myself of this.

xoxo