I spent 9 months dieting and lifting for all of 20 minutes total on stage. Some would say that's not worth it, but for me it was! I didn't place in the top 5 but I didn't walk into it expecting to. I didn't place last though! So I call that a win:)
This prep was extremely difficult. In September I decided I was going to commit to this because at that point I felt like the scum of the Earth. I was being beaten down by Morgan, his family and even my own parents and I was my own worst enemy. I felt like I was nothing, I judged myself so harshly. I was 22 and getting a divorce. That was a very hard pill to swallow. I had no confidence in myself, I had convinced myself that I would never be loved again, I would never be able to live a normal life because of the judgement I had placed on myself. The gym seemed like the only place that I could blow some steam off and really de-stress from all the crap that seemed to be melting down around me. Now don't twist it, I didn't commit to this because of Morgan or anything to do with him. I did this because I needed it for myself, and myself alone.
I'll be the first to admit that when things got hard I would run. This was a common theme throughout my whole life. I ran away from Pocatello to Walla Walla right after high school cause I thought that Pocatello was the worst place on the planet. When things got rough there I ran to Weber, when things really sucked in Utah I dropped out of school and moved clear across the country to Alabama, when things got rocky in the south, I moved back to Pocatello. When my Grandma passed away I ran to Tennessee thinking that I had found the love of my life, when things got rough in our marriage I ran back to Pocatello to secure my education because I believe that deep down both Morgan and I knew that it wasn't true love or even love at all. So I was always running, thinking that wherever I was going would be better than where I came from and that was never the case.
So in the midst of filing for divorce, I decided that I needed to prove to MYSELF and myself only that I could finish something and not run when it got hard. So committing to a figure competition was the best way, in my mind to do so. I'm not going to lie to y'all it was really hard especially feeling like crap for the first 12 weeks than finding out that I had celiac the whole time. About 6 weeks out I was so close to just throwing my hands up in the air and quitting. I went to BYN that day and was telling Eric how I was feeling and that I didn't think it was worth it to feel like shit. He convinced me to stick with it and that the feeling after I had finished would out weigh how I was feeling at that moment. And guess what!? He was so right!
Not only did I find the confidence I was looking for I battled and conquered my anxieties!!! I thought that I would have a panic attack before stepping out on stage, and I didn't! I was cool, calm and collected. I didn't feel nervous at all, I just kept telling myself that I needed to remember the things I needed to present on stage but no anxiety or nervousness came over me and I'm so proud of myself! Although I was in my suit that barely covered my booty I was so excited that I had a brownie and a liter of wine waiting for me at my hotel! I had Dallen there with me and team BYN with me and it was amazing to see the support from every single one of them! Lloyd, my coach, took overall in his division and I was amazing to be apart of that moment and with everyone on my team that placed!
I am so incredibly proud of myself that I had the courage to finish this out, and now I can say that I finally finished something with my all and didn't run when it got tough! I feel like I'm on top of the world and now that I've accomplished this, the sky is the limit!
People kept asking me this weekend if I was going to do another show, and my answer was always no. I can see why people get addicted to this lifestyle it's so amazing to be able to work your booty off and show the world your progress and hard work and the feeling is so gratifying, but I have so many other things I want to accomplish in my life, this is just the beginning. Maybe later on down the road I will compete again, but for now I have other things to focus on. Like finishing school, building and solidifying my relationship with Dallen, and just growing as a person. I cannot wait to see where my life goes from here. I can close this door and open a new one!
xoxo
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